Hand to the plow and no looking back…

Yesterday was a really hard day.  When I’m at the house, it feels so quiet and empty.  When I go out, I feel aimless and like I’m just wandering around looking for something to do.  I’ve been doing all the same things that Brent and I always do (I went to the bookstore, rented a movie, ran errands, etc), but those things aren’t enjoyable without him.  I’m realizing that what makes them special is doing them with him, not the event themselves.  I accidently locked myself out of the house today and realized how much I rely on Brent every day to help me.  He takes such good care of me and does it so effortlessly that I don’t even realize it sometimes.  He just seems to always be one step ahead of me.  It’s amazing how much I learn about God from my husband.  God’s the same way.  He’s always watching out for me (only far better than Brent ever could as a human), and I don’t even know it sometimes.  I’m thankful to have such a great partner to share my life with.  I miss him a lot.  And he’s only been gone a few days.  At times, this freedom is fun.  I’ve never lived alone before, and I’m kind of enjoying it.  But at times, I don’t know how in the world I’m going to get through the next four weeks without him.  One day at a time, I suppose. 

I’ve gotten to talk to Brent twice a day so far (once when he’s waking up/I’m going to bed and then again when I’m waking up and he’s going to bed).  He’s been telling me more about India, and I’m starting to fear it.  Everything sounds so foreign. 

I don’t want to have these feelings.  Most of me is genuinely excited about going, and I still feel confident that God has called us there.  So I feel guilty when I feel scared of it.  As if the level of encouragement and excitement I’ve had recently has all been a sham.  But I know that it hasn’t been.  I know that Satan is going to come at me with every flaming arrow he can think of to make me unusable.  And that’s exactly why I’m keeping this blog.  Nothing that I’ve written so far about the UNMISTAKABLE ways that God is working has changed – even when my feelings aren’t matching up with my faith.  So I’ll keep speaking God’s truths until my emotions catch up.  I’m “[taking] up the shield of faith, with which [I] can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” (Ephesians 6:16). 

Here’s what I’m scared of right now:

• India is dirty and loud – I will likely be uncomfortable a lot of times
• I’m deathly afraid of catching a disease.  I can’t even bring myself to read the warning labels on the million vaccinations I’ve had to get.     
• Our apartment in India only has a microwave, so I won’t be able to cook like I’d expected.  I’m really afraid that I won’t be able to eat healthy foods if we have to go out all the time.  
• I’m afraid that the people there, in an effort to be hospitable, will crowd us and not let me have time alone.
• The customs are not at all what I’m used to (Brent said when people go to dinner, they all share a fork…gross!).

I’m ashamed to say that every single thing I just typed is completely selfish.  It’s normal and understandable from a human perspective, but selfish.  I must learn to give these things to God and ask Him to help me see the world with His eyes.  "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" (Galatians 5:6).  These lessons that God is teaching me mean nothing unless I use them to love those around me.  He fills me up so that I can pour myself out. 

In spite of my growing fears and hard day yesterday, here’s how God has come through recently:

• He’s teaching me to literally confess out loud the truths that I know to be true when I’m not feeling confident in them.  There’s power in His spoken word and it makes me laugh a little to think how angry Satan must be when I speak those words out.  Since no one is in the house with me, I can say them as loud as I want.  And I do. 
• He pointed me to an article in my Home Life magazine that was written by a woman facing fears and yet trusting Him to comfort her.  Timely.
• My sweet friend Rachel, my mother-in-law, and my Mama all called me last night to check in on me and encourage me.  Friends invited me to dinner this week so that I won’t be alone.
• Because I locked myself out of the house, I had to go to my neighbor’s house to get the key Brent left with them (see, I told you he’s always one step ahead of me).  This forced some human interaction that I needed.
• It's a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but Brent got his lost bag back.
• I’ve gotten to talk to Brent, and he told me two things about India that REALLY encouraged me: (1) he’s already shared the gospel with 2 people since he’s been there, and (2) the church that we’ll be attending sounds AMAZING!  I can’t wait to worship with them.  There are about 12 people – 7 local Indian believers and the rest missionaries.  The couple that we got connected through are living in India, are about our age, have been married 5 years, no kids (sounding familiar??), and Brent said they’re great people. 

So God is faithful.  As I’ve moved forth in these truths, speaking them out loud and worshipping God at church this morning, He’s literally caused my emotions to catch up with my faith.  No kidding.  I’ve never had such a dramatic turnaround in the positive direction that quickly.  And it’s not just a false high, because the things I'm afraid of are still there.  But He’s comforting my heart, reminding me to trust Him, and pushing me forward so that I don’t look back.  Jesus said, “no one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God” (Luke 9:62).  I’m back on track and moving forward!  Alright, plow.  We’ve got some ground to tend. 

A sigh of relief...

I just got off the phone** with Brent, and he’s arrived safely in Bangalore.  I continue to be amazed by the support we have around us.  In addition to the MANY people who are praying for us, our friends in India have already begun displaying the genuine hospitality that they’re known for.  While it’s afternoon here, Brent arrived around midnight Bangalore time.  After working a full day, our friend Taha drove to the airport to meet him and make sure he was ok.  Capital One sent a driver, so Brent wouldn’t have had any trouble getting to the apartment.  It wasn’t about logistics.  Taha wanted to be there just to show his support and because he was excited to see his friend.  Another two friends have offered to come to the apartment when Brent gets there shortly to welcome him.  I’m just blown away by their caring hearts and willingness to put aside themselves.  If that was me, I’m afraid to say that I might not be so willing to hang out that late at night.  I’m asking God to change my heart and learn from these sweet people.

One very tactical prayer request is that Brent has lost one bag in transition.  There was another associate travelling with him (also going for 6 months), and the airlines lost both of his bags.  I don’t have enough details at this point to know if they’re truly lost or just delayed, but we’ll be praying that they are returned quickly.  If that’s the worst that happens, I can live with that. 

It was so good to hear his voice and know that he is safe.  This wife is breathing a bit easier this afternoon.

Brent getting ready to leave

Saying goodbye

**Even the circumstances around me hearing from Brent are pretty cool.  I’m trying to avoid making every post super long, but I want to make sure I remember all these details later.  Ignore this part if you’re in a hurry!  I’m at work today and knew that Brent would be arriving around 2pm.  I was watching the clock but understood that he might not get to call as soon as he landed.  I was walking to a meeting, and suddenly our good friend Vishnu poked his head out of a conference room and asked me to come in.  Apparently Brent didn’t have my blackberry number with him (and my normal cell doesn’t get reception at work), so he called Vishnu to let him know he’d arrived.  God had me walk by that room literally at that exact moment so that I could talk to Brent.  It would have satisfied my worries just to get an email from Vishnu that Brent had arrived.  But God gave me this extra blessing, knowing that I’d rather actually hear his voice.  I love that.

Two Truths and a Lie...

I heard a few really good nuggets of wisdom recently through various formats (church, Bible study, etc) that I didn’t want to lose sight of, but they didn’t fit neatly with any of my other posts.  So to pay homage to the classic ice breaker game of “2 truths and a lie”, I’ve listed below the two things I’ve learned along with a (very obvious) lie.  Enjoy! J

(A) Truth is not produced through consensus.  Even if everyone around me seems to agree on something, if it’s false, it’s still false regardless of who believes it.  

(B) In your calling, remain committed to Christ and not committed to your commitment.  As I grow with Him, He may ask me to change directions slightly and take on new challenges.  That doesn’t mean I missed the boat on my original calling, so I shouldn’t be discouraged.  I must remain in the vine so that I can sense where He’s taking me and be willing to go with Him.   

(C) Brownies are gross.

If you chose c as the lie, you win!  (I almost couldn’t even bring myself to type that nonsense).

“God, You came through…”

This has been the theme of our preparations so far, and I pray it will continue to be on my lips as we venture into new territory this year.  On Sunday, we added another “stone” to our pile.

God has graciously provided someone to stay at our house while we’re gone!  This was one of the last details that we hadn’t worked out, and it was really hanging over our heads.  Brent’s parents offered to take Ella (our cat), but we hated to be an imposition on them and also hated for Ella to have to go to an unfamiliar house.  I was also concerned about leaving the house alone for that long, but at the same time we were very cautious about who we’d be comfortable leaving it with.  A few weeks ago a friend from Sunday school mentioned that she knew of a woman looking for temporary housing in Richmond.  This woman has just sold her house and wants to move here and find a job but wasn’t ready to commit to a purchase of her own until she had time to check out the area.  We met her for coffee on Sunday, and it’s undeniable that God ordained this meeting.  She’d been praying for a couple of months that God would provide her housing in Richmond, although she didn’t know how that would possibly work out.  It’s not every day that someone has an empty house ready to move into for just a couple months.  On the other side, we were praying that God would find us the perfect person to stay in our house.  Our needs match perfectly, and we feel so at peace with her.  What a blessing – and not a moment too soon (Brent leaves tomorrow, and I wouldn’t have picked someone without him)!

I’ve spent the past couple weeks documenting my spiritual heritage as part of my Bible study time (I’m doing the Believing God study by Beth Moore).  I’ve thought back through every stage of my life, divided into fifths, and traced the areas where God was working, often without me even knowing it.  I admit that I never believed that I had much of a testimony, but God has shown me otherwise.  His hand has been upon me from the day I was born, and He’s come through mightily in ways that I literally am just now seeing.  This exercise also convicted me very clearly of something that I believe He’s probably wanted to show me for a long time. 

In spite of the many, many, many ways that He’s revealed His hand at work in my life and specifically in preparation for our trip (including this most recent example about the house), I still find myself somewhere in the back of my mind attributing it to coincidence.  I couldn’t understand why this thought kept creeping into my head, because it’s so evident that IT’S NOT COINCIDENCE!  I just picture Him asking me, “daughter, what do I have to do to show you that I’ve called you here and am preparing the way, and that I’ll be your pillar to guide you every step of the way?”.  I’ve realized that I don’t believe God when He tells me that He has a plan for my life and wants to use me to disciple others and expand His kingdom.  When I look at my past, I feel completely inadequate.  I don’t have enough knowledge, I lack faith, and my sins are vile and too numerous to count.  I don’t believe that He’d call me on a mission trip to spread His word, because I don’t truly believe the things He says about me in His word (that I’m a daughter of the King, that I’m cleansed white as snow, that I have His Spirit in me guiding my every step, etc).  Since I don’t truly believe He’d call me and use me, I end up thinking that these things that seem to affirm His call must be coincidence and I must be making it all up somehow.  It sounds silly when I write it, but this is at the core of my beliefs a lot of the time.  Thankfully, He’s changing that.    

God turned my eyes to Isaiah 43:10 this week:

¹⁰ “You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD,
   “and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
   and understand that I am he.

Yes, there are people in India who need a witness to tell them the truth of God’s saving grace.  I’m thankful, honored, and humbled that He’s allowing me to be part of a mission to do that.  I pray that I’ll be faithful.  But the second part of that verse is what caught my attention.  I am the one who needs to be reminded of His truths.  He chose me to be a servant so that I would know and believe Him!  If I’m interpreting this correctly from my study, the original Hebrew word for “believe” (‘aman) in this context is a present active participle verb.  That means it’s not referring to the one time salvation belief (which is a different form of believe – pisteuo - as found in Ephesians 1:13).  It’s the daily choice to continue believing that He is who He says He is.  That’s what God is working on with me.   Yes, God has called me to India to spread His word and quicken His return.  But equally as important, He’s called me to this mission so that my own faith might be strengthened and so that I’ll believe Him.  These next 4 months are going to stretch me beyond where He’s taken me in the past.  I have to submit to Him completely everything I hold dear – my job, my health, my husband, my comfort, my will…for His glory, His fame, and His plans.  He asks us to take up our cross daily to follow Him (Luke 9:23), but His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30).  And He’s faithful and promises that the blessings He provides are far superior to anything we could imagine. 

When I return next year, I want to be able to say over and over and over, “God, You came through”. 

Father, forgive my unbelief and increase my faith.  Don’t let me miss all the times that You come through over the coming months, because they help me trust You more and more.

2 weeks and counting...

Plans are progressing nicely, and this trip is becoming very real very quickly!  Brent leaves for India two weeks from tomorrow.  Yikes!  The past few weeks have been spent purchasing plane tickets, getting vaccinations, obtaining our visas (I still have to apply for mine), and still trying to find someone to watch our house while we're gone.  Brent's parents have graciously offered to take our cat, Ella, into their home if needed.  But we'd prefer to have someone actually at the house if possible – both to watch the house and to keep some level of normalcy for kitty.  We have one lead that we're working on now, so please pray that God would provide discernment on whether to pursue this opportunity.  It's a little scary to think of leaving our house in the hands of someone we don't know.  But this lady came as a recommendation from a close friend, and it looks like it could actually meet a need that she has as well.  It’s definitely teaching me to let go of things that I hold dear and remember that they aren’t really mine to begin with.  My home (along with the rest of my “things”) is to be used for God’s glory.  This may include offering it to someone who may or may not do things exactly as I would.  Deuteronomy 8:6-20 is such a humbling reminder that everything we have it a gift from God, not of our own doing, and that He can take it away.

A few weeks back, we had the chance to meet with a couple from the International Mission Board who got us connected with some local folks in Bangalore.  God has been so faithful to lead us to people who can help us plug into the local church body and ministry opportunities once we arrive so that we can hit the ground running.  We already know about 25 people in the city, which is amazing and will make the transition much easier.  One thing that Brent and I are particularly passionate about is the tent maker model, where folks maintain a “day job” but use it as a platform for ministry.  While in India, we’re very much there for business.  It’s the reason for the trip and where we’ll spend a good majority of our time.  But it also enables some great opportunities to serve others and build the body of Christ in a different environment.  Last week we were excited and blessed to be able to share about our trip with our church family during Wednesday night Bible study.  Our Associate Pastor shared a wonderful message on the tent maker model from Acts 18 and then spent time praying for us.  Brent and I love our church and are so thankful for their support and love.

In the past week we also found out where we’d be living in India.  The Inn Bangalore will be home while we’re abroad, and it actually looks pretty nice.  If nothing else, there’s A/C and a toilet.  I can’t ask for much more (not all places in India have these two items)!  We’ll have a 2 bedroom apartment, and we’re already planning a visit (assuming everything works out) from Brent’s parents while we’re there.  If anyone else has a yearning to come to Bangalore, you have a place to stay!

Last, but definitely not least, I want to share some exciting news about a vacation Brent and I will get to take in September.  Knowing that we’d be a lot closer to some really cool countries, we planned to do a trip while we were in India but were having a really hard time narrowing down what we wanted to do.  China is on my bucket list, and New Zealand is on Brent’s.  We looked at both of those options, but Brent has already been to China, and New Zealand is a REALLY long (and expensive) trip.  We briefly explored Thailand, which was really cheap, but it wasn’t really on either of our top 10 lists.  We finally landed on, what I believe, will be my dream trip of a lifetime.  We’re going to get to spend a week on safari in Kenya!  For anyone who has known me for more than a minute, you know how much I love animals.  Last year for Christmas, my parents got me the full DVD series of Disney’s Planet Earth videos.  I am in love with them, and we’ll actually be going to the area where those are filmed.  The trip we’re taking was recommended to me by a co-worker (he went earlier this year), and we’ll be there right in the middle of the wildebeest migration.  And the coolest part is that we’ll be on the trip during both of our birthdays.  Pictures will certainly follow!

I’ll post again once Brent arrives safely in Bangalore.  Over the next two weeks, please be praying specifically for us as we get ready to be apart for the month of August, for his safety as he travels (the airline he's on was not my first choice in terms of safety, but it's too late to change it), and that we'd be able to get everything done that must be done before he leaves.