Hand to the plow and no looking back…

Yesterday was a really hard day.  When I’m at the house, it feels so quiet and empty.  When I go out, I feel aimless and like I’m just wandering around looking for something to do.  I’ve been doing all the same things that Brent and I always do (I went to the bookstore, rented a movie, ran errands, etc), but those things aren’t enjoyable without him.  I’m realizing that what makes them special is doing them with him, not the event themselves.  I accidently locked myself out of the house today and realized how much I rely on Brent every day to help me.  He takes such good care of me and does it so effortlessly that I don’t even realize it sometimes.  He just seems to always be one step ahead of me.  It’s amazing how much I learn about God from my husband.  God’s the same way.  He’s always watching out for me (only far better than Brent ever could as a human), and I don’t even know it sometimes.  I’m thankful to have such a great partner to share my life with.  I miss him a lot.  And he’s only been gone a few days.  At times, this freedom is fun.  I’ve never lived alone before, and I’m kind of enjoying it.  But at times, I don’t know how in the world I’m going to get through the next four weeks without him.  One day at a time, I suppose. 

I’ve gotten to talk to Brent twice a day so far (once when he’s waking up/I’m going to bed and then again when I’m waking up and he’s going to bed).  He’s been telling me more about India, and I’m starting to fear it.  Everything sounds so foreign. 

I don’t want to have these feelings.  Most of me is genuinely excited about going, and I still feel confident that God has called us there.  So I feel guilty when I feel scared of it.  As if the level of encouragement and excitement I’ve had recently has all been a sham.  But I know that it hasn’t been.  I know that Satan is going to come at me with every flaming arrow he can think of to make me unusable.  And that’s exactly why I’m keeping this blog.  Nothing that I’ve written so far about the UNMISTAKABLE ways that God is working has changed – even when my feelings aren’t matching up with my faith.  So I’ll keep speaking God’s truths until my emotions catch up.  I’m “[taking] up the shield of faith, with which [I] can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” (Ephesians 6:16). 

Here’s what I’m scared of right now:

• India is dirty and loud – I will likely be uncomfortable a lot of times
• I’m deathly afraid of catching a disease.  I can’t even bring myself to read the warning labels on the million vaccinations I’ve had to get.     
• Our apartment in India only has a microwave, so I won’t be able to cook like I’d expected.  I’m really afraid that I won’t be able to eat healthy foods if we have to go out all the time.  
• I’m afraid that the people there, in an effort to be hospitable, will crowd us and not let me have time alone.
• The customs are not at all what I’m used to (Brent said when people go to dinner, they all share a fork…gross!).

I’m ashamed to say that every single thing I just typed is completely selfish.  It’s normal and understandable from a human perspective, but selfish.  I must learn to give these things to God and ask Him to help me see the world with His eyes.  "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" (Galatians 5:6).  These lessons that God is teaching me mean nothing unless I use them to love those around me.  He fills me up so that I can pour myself out. 

In spite of my growing fears and hard day yesterday, here’s how God has come through recently:

• He’s teaching me to literally confess out loud the truths that I know to be true when I’m not feeling confident in them.  There’s power in His spoken word and it makes me laugh a little to think how angry Satan must be when I speak those words out.  Since no one is in the house with me, I can say them as loud as I want.  And I do. 
• He pointed me to an article in my Home Life magazine that was written by a woman facing fears and yet trusting Him to comfort her.  Timely.
• My sweet friend Rachel, my mother-in-law, and my Mama all called me last night to check in on me and encourage me.  Friends invited me to dinner this week so that I won’t be alone.
• Because I locked myself out of the house, I had to go to my neighbor’s house to get the key Brent left with them (see, I told you he’s always one step ahead of me).  This forced some human interaction that I needed.
• It's a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but Brent got his lost bag back.
• I’ve gotten to talk to Brent, and he told me two things about India that REALLY encouraged me: (1) he’s already shared the gospel with 2 people since he’s been there, and (2) the church that we’ll be attending sounds AMAZING!  I can’t wait to worship with them.  There are about 12 people – 7 local Indian believers and the rest missionaries.  The couple that we got connected through are living in India, are about our age, have been married 5 years, no kids (sounding familiar??), and Brent said they’re great people. 

So God is faithful.  As I’ve moved forth in these truths, speaking them out loud and worshipping God at church this morning, He’s literally caused my emotions to catch up with my faith.  No kidding.  I’ve never had such a dramatic turnaround in the positive direction that quickly.  And it’s not just a false high, because the things I'm afraid of are still there.  But He’s comforting my heart, reminding me to trust Him, and pushing me forward so that I don’t look back.  Jesus said, “no one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God” (Luke 9:62).  I’m back on track and moving forward!  Alright, plow.  We’ve got some ground to tend.