All things beautiful in His time…

We were in Thailand last week, and it was one of the most wonderful vacations we’ve taken.  The country is beautiful, the people are welcoming, and it was so relaxing.  I needed a week away.  Before the vacation, I felt like I was hitting a wall a little bit.  I’m getting pretty homesick, especially as I watch everyone in the States prepare for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So a week away from India was a welcome break.
The day we came back, my attitude was not what it should have been.  I didn’t want to be coming home from vacation to India.  I wanted to come home from vacation…to my real home.  When we went out that first day back, the city looked ugly to me.  Everything was dirty.  The things that people did annoyed me, and I didn’t want to be around anyone.  I felt distant from God and just wanted to put my head down and plow through these next 5 weeks so that I could go home.

Thailand

Sitting at lunch that afternoon, Brent asked me what my plan was for my remaining time here.  He’s been challenging me to set specific goals and find ways to meet them so that I don’t get to the end of this time and regret not using it effectively.  (By the way, I need to do an entirely different blog post on what a loving, Godly, absolutely amazing leader Brent is for our family.  I can’t begin to describe the many ways that he shows Christ to me.  He’s gentle and consistently sharpens me and prepares me to be a radiant bride of Christ, and I’m so thankful for the way that he shows me love and carries out his biblical calling as a husband).  Anyway, when he asked me about my plans on this particular day, I got mad and shut down.  I didn’t have a plan.  I didn’t want to make a plan.  I wanted to go home.

I came back to the apartment and prayed earnestly for God to change my heart, because I knew that nothing of me at that time was what it should be.  Any act of love, service, or care was going to have to come from sheer discipline since it just wasn’t the state of my heart.

Brent and I went on a prayer walk that afternoon in a neighborhood near our apartment, and I really enjoyed it.  My heart still had some bitterness, but it was refreshing to pray over this city.  Instead of just keeping my head down, I looked into the eyes of the people I passed and smiled at them.  Their faces started looking more beautiful to me, and my heart softened just a bit.

That night we had dinner with some friends from the States who are over here visiting for a couple weeks.  They actually lived in India for a couple years and played a big part in us coming over.  We really enjoyed the company, and my heart was encouraged.  Since moving back to the US, they’ve remained very involved with a Christian orphanage over here and invited us to visit it with them the next day after church.  

We went with them to the orphanage yesterday, and it was exactly what God used to finish softening my heart, renewing my vision for my time here, and refocusing on these last 5 weeks.  If there was any way possible, I would have taken every one of those children home with me.  They are precious.  We played, shared the Lord’s Supper with the older kids, and lingered over hugs before saying goodbye.  I can’t explain how it happened, but I had new eyes on the drive home.  Bangalore suddenly looked beautiful to me again.  The land, the people, the place.  I could once again see the beauty in it and had a heart to invest here.  He made these things beautiful to me in His time. 

Over the weekend, I did come up with my goals and plans for my remaining 5 weeks and shared them with Brent.  I’ve already taken a few steps to set them in motion.

Several months before we knew that we’d be coming to India, I felt God stirring.  I hadn’t experienced that before, and it was exciting.  I had no idea what it was or meant, but I could just feel that something big was coming.  That something was India.  As I studied my Bible this morning, I began to sense that same stirring.  I’ve been praying during my time here that God would show us our next step when He’s ready.  He only lights the path enough for us to see a little bit ahead, and I was ready for Him to shed a little more light.  I can’t see anything clearly at this point, but I see something emerging and I trust that He’ll bring it into focus pretty soon.  I felt that now familiar sense that something big is coming, and I’m ready to see what it is.    

I once heard someone say, “when I die, I want to be thoroughly used up”.  I can’t remember where I heard it, but I’ve kept that written in the front of my Bible as a reminder that this body and life are temporary and fleeting.  I don’t have to try to preserve them or hang onto them.  I need to be using them up as quickly and with as much determination as I can, because I only have a short time on earth to be a vessel for God.  At the end of my life, He’ll supply me with a new body that isn’t run down and tired.  So I can use this one up, and my desire to do that here has been renewed.  God is faithful all the time.